Written some fiction? Wanna participate in a boardwar? Wanna read some fiction! Heres your place!

Moderator: InocPrime

Junior Member
Posts: 326
Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2001 12:00 am
Location: Missouri

Post by Xiggy » Tue Mar 16, 2004 6:12 am

I wrote this in an hour at an English Competition at a local University. It won 3rd place... Tell meh what ya'll think.


The cold, smooth texture of the window sill comforted my hands. The calming cool, metal, surface seemed to have soothed my very soul. The dull red soil I saw through the strong panes of glass filled me with an uneasy calm. A gentle breeze grabbed ahold of a few pebbles and blew them a few inches across the weathered crimson terrain. The sky was a soup-like mixture of red, oranges, and yellows. My mind began to wander as I ran my fingers through my hair. Then it started. Both of my hands began to tremble. My head twitched rapidly. My curse had decided to re-emerge. The inevitable was happening. I knew what was going to happen. My skin would begin to change into sensitive callouses that would invade my hands and arms. The affliction would then manifest itself on my tongue. The pain caused by even the slightest touch to the lesion would wrack my body and pierce into my head. If I had failed to act at this point, the disease would soon affect my mental state. I would begin to see phantoms and specters that were actually nothing at all. I would go insane and begin to ramble about a plot to kill me for some obscure conspiracy. But I acted. I calmly pressed the button to summon my caretaker. She would come soon, but I still had to stop the disease from taking over my. I took out a syringe and injected it into my leg, knocking me unconscious...

My mind was clouded and distracted. “Joseph?” a soothing voice silenced my mind. Despite my eyes being open, I could not see.

“Yes... Where are you, Lynne?” I asked.
“I’m right here. Can’t you see me?” she replied.
“No... I can feel my eyes being open, but I cannot see anything.”
“It’s gotten worse,” Lynne replied . I could tell she was frowning solely by the tone of her voice. “I’ll have the lab send down some Stage V medicine to get your vision back. Can you feel the sores anymore?”
“No...,” I replied. I touched my hand. My palms showed no sign of the virulent sores. My tongue had been freed from the malignant lesions.
“Good,” Lynne replied. Her caring voice made me feel like my disease was as dangerous as a common cold. But I knew that there was no cure for my disease.
“Joe, I’ll be right back. I’m just going to get your medicine. You just lay here, okay?”
I nodded my head in agreement. I listened to her footsteps as they walked away from my bed. It seemed like every footstep took a minute, and it felt like an eternity before I heard the door open and close. She was gone. My room felt as cold and dead as the world outside of the colony. I could do nothing but sleep...

The sudden noise surprised and awakened me from my rest. My eyes were overloaded with the sight of my room.
“Good morning,” a computerized voiced spoke without emotion. “The time is 06:30 Martian Standard Time. You have one message from,” the flat voice suddenly changed to a human familar tone. “Lynne,” Lynne’s voice was then changed to back into the monotone computer voice. “This message is in text form. Shall I read this message aloud?” the voice inquired.
“Yes,” I said. I was sitting up at this point. My spartan room was bathed in the dim blue glow of my computer screen.
“The messages says; Joe, I gave you the medicine when I found you asleep last night.You should be able to see when you wake up. I have to go to the Lunae Planum Colony, I should be there by the time you read this message. Call Dr. Wiglesworth if you need anything. Love, Lynne.” - “End of message. Would you like to watch the news?”
"At some point these machines need to be a bit more intelligent. I watch the news every morning. You’d figure at some point they’d realize there is a pattern,” I thought to myself. “Yes,” I said to the computer.

The screen then changed to a graphic for the Martian News Network. After the graphic into a clever red cloud, a newsroom occupied in a woman in a suit was shown.
“ Good morning. We have breaking news to report. A shuttle from the Syria Planum Medical Isolation Colony has crashed. This shuttle was en route to the Lunae Planum Colony. Five people were killed in this tragic accident. The lives claimed in this tragedy were a couple who had just visited their son at the Isolation colony, the two pilots, and Dr. Lynne Rose, daughter of businessman Alex P. Rose. Alex Rose and most of his family were killed by Haun-Rose Syndrome. Dr. Lynne Rose was the only surviving member of the Rose family. She was a neurologist who dedicated her life to curing Haun-Rose Syndrome, a disease that can be contagious and is generally fatal. To this date, 1000 people have died in the Mars Colonies of Haun-Rose Syndrome. 2000 more people remain infected, all of which reside at Syria Planum Medical Isolation Colony. 98 percent of those are in cryogenic suspension. The rest are voluntarily the subjects of medical research in an attempt to find a cure.

I didn’t need to hear anymore of that. She was gone. The only person on the planet able to care for me without being in a disease-proof suit was dead. Now I was truly alone. People with my disease are forced to live in isolation to prevent more deaths. We have no problem with living this way, we aren’t selfish. But the loneliness of this disease is as painful as the disease itself...

But that was two decades ago. The disease has been cured by way of an implant in the neck. The doctors at Syria Planum were able to narrow down the disease to being a malfucntion in the body’s nervous system. The low gravity on Mars and the 687 day long year has caused the body’s processes to go haywire in some cases. All of the people infected with Haun-Rose Syndrome have been cured. I know that some day another disease will cause terror and afflict others. I just hope that my daughter Lynne and other children never have to face the situation I and thousands of others had to endure in isolation. I can only hope.

Posts: 1879
Joined: Mon Mar 10, 2003 1:00 am
Location: North Devon, or my secret asteroid base.......

Post by deathblane » Tue Mar 16, 2004 1:06 pm

It's pretty good, though I'd either add a section of him going insane/actually isolated to compare with the end, or just delete the end. Just to give it a bit more impact.

Posts: 530
Joined: Fri May 09, 2003 12:00 pm
Location: United States

Post by InocPrime » Wed Mar 17, 2004 12:43 am

I enjoyed it. The beginning had a bit to disjointed a series of descriptive phrases, but an excellent story none the less.

Now... since we few writers here are left to ourselves, go read my recent story and comment on it ;)

Post Reply

Return to “Fiction”