Blackstar - insane rambelings?

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armadillo
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Post by armadillo » Wed Jul 21, 2004 2:53 am

Always fancied being a bit of a writter. Always had the problem of being a bit crap at writting. Never mind. I thought i'd get other peoples opinion on it so i posted it here for the other 2 people who visit this forum to look at [img]smile.gif[/img] Here's what i've wrote so far

Babylon 5: Darkstar

The dawning of the third age has just begun. A select few have changed course of billions of lives. The repercussions of their actions are still rippling across the universe. These combined with the remnants of the second age make these dangerous times especially for the humans. The future is unknown, and a new set of players are about to make their mark on the universe.

Again a select few will decide the fate of billions….


Baptism of Fire

Chapter 1

Onboard the Omega class destroyer Persephone

Confusion…. Someone calling his name… He runs toward the source of the noise… Intense pain… He drops the objects… A women screaming… His mother… Heat and debris hitting him from the left… Gunfire… the screaming stops… bodies… his mother’s body… Confusion… Danger in close proximity… He picks up the Object and thrusts it at the danger… A glimmer catches his eye… He turns… Something is bought down on him darkness…

Beep, beep, beep, the annoying noise ripped him from the darkness. He tried to remember what happened, but the blurred images just faded away into nothingness as his consciousness kicked into gear. He turned his head, to find the engineer of his rude awaking. His annoyance and thoughts of dreams were forgotten as the gold priority message flashed on his screen. Quickly locating his communicator he slipped it on to his hand and activated it.

“Champion”,
“You’d better see this”, Captain Rison spoke with an urgency he’d never heard before. He heard the monitor beep and a mash of colours started to flow over the screen as a voice played.
“This is capt’1*!^&*%£ of th#*”[?ance cruiser to any cr*&^*^%an hear me. We are und()£”%ck by a vessel of u^$£own ori£”n and r*&$”re immediate assssss().” Another voice interrupted “%%&ey’re locking on”
“Ca&%$jump?”
“Nega(“£e sir, I’m reading a huge }!£*c spi!”*”
“*ll crew brace }1*($ impact. All alli*+*2”£ft watch out for”

A brief sound of metal ripping apart ended the transmission. The captain’s voice came from the speaker leaving the weird mixture of colours “That’s all we have. The message came from theta system where parts of the 45th are running battle manoeuvres. We’ll be there in 47 minutes.” The abrupt message cut off, bringing back the usual ‘what service do you require?’ Picture to the screen. “Bollocks”, he said to himself as he headed towards his pants. A mixture of excitement and unease filled him, as he quickly got ready. This could be his first taste of combat if it came to a firefight. He had a quick glance at the mirror to make sure he wasn’t too untidy, the image in the mirror called back a flicker of his forgotten dream, a flash of fire. The moment came and went in a blink of an eye, leaving him staring at his own reflection. He quickly turned and started heading towards the bridge, his unease soon giving way to thoughts of what the future might bring…

Chapter 2

Rison slowly looked round the bridge, checking each station, checking that all the crew was doing their job. Subconsciously he was just looking for something to do; he was ready for action and was looking for an excuse to vent his trepidation. He got it as Champion entered. “Ahh Commander, I’m glad you could join us”, not without a hint of sarcasm.
“Sir” Champion curtly replied, as he walked into position.
“Would you please bring the commander up to date Mr Luzzi”
“Aye Sir. Around 19:43 Earth Standard Time we received a badly distorted message from the Theta system. There was enough there to recognise it as a distress call from an EA ship so we started toward the origin of the call at best speed. The ships Adonis, Nemesis, Scylla, and Hector, are already on scene and are waiting for us.”
“Thank you lieutenant”, said the captain. “Any thoughts Commander?”
“Any details about the attack yet?”
“Not, communications have been kept to a minimum. What we do know is somebody took down an Omega and a Nova class destroyer in under 20 seconds”
“That’s a lot of firepower, who do we thinks behind it?”
“There’s only on five powers that have that capability Centauri, Narn, Minbari, vree, and the Drakh”
“Don’t forget the ISA” butted in champion
“They wouldn’t do anything like this” shot back slightly riled Rison
“Maybe not, but they have the capability”
“Hmm” captain Rison replied deciding to avoid any confrontation
The bridge quieted down to the normal low humming, though the tension was palpable. The atmosphere broke as Champion picked up the conversation;
“All the empires are on the far side of EA space and have no reason to attack, and it would be out of character for the Drakh to pick a heavily armed purely military target”
“Which means?”
“It’s someone new”
“We’ve been using Theta since before the dilgar war and it’s a secure system. We would have noticed an alien civilisation before now.”
“The Drakh go for raiding easy targets, picking off the weak. The only other group to be able to escape our attention and get to that system is the ISA. So it’s either the ISA or someone new. Those are the only logical possibilities unless we’ve started blowing up our own ships!”
“What possible reason do the ISA have for flying half way though Earth space and attacking those two ships?”
“I’m not saying they did, I’m only pointing out the possibilities”
“Champion for the ISA to be a possibility they’d have to have a reason. What could that possibly be” said the captain getting angrier.
“I dunno they tend to make up their crusades as they go. You’d be better off asking Mr Corea”
“I want you to check the fighter launch systems, now Mr Champion” Captain said his nostrils flaring.
“Sir” Champion said as he left the bridge with a slight grin.
Lieutenant Luzzi Concentrated on his screen not wanting to look up. Captain Rison had many fine qualities, but anger management wasn’t one of them. He often took it out on the people around him and Luzzi didn’t want to be himself. An icon flashed up indicating he had a message from Tanya Taillon on the security console. He opened it up. “Who’s Mr Corea?” he quickly wrote back “a mind reader”. A moment later he heard a small laugh. “Anything funny Miss Tanya” said the Captain glaring. “No sir” Tanya quickly replied. “Good” the captain said sitting back in his chair. The Spat ended there, but the atmosphere continued for long time after wards.


Helpful coments would be appricated [img]smile.gif[/img]

AkiraRulez
Posts: 515
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2001 1:00 pm
Location: Lisse, Zuidholland, Nederland

Post by AkiraRulez » Sat Jul 24, 2004 2:37 pm

Originally posted by armadillo:
so i posted it here for the other 2 people who visit this forum to look at [img]smile.gif[/img] Here's what i've wrote so far
Dont forget number 3 :D

Anyway.
This is told as by a reader, i'm not a writer and thus will judge your story as a reader!
(and in my opion.. screw the so called pro's :D )

First impression: The dream could have been written down better. Just alot of pauzes between words. I know a dream isnt about making sence... but just keep it going at a fast pace... think of any dream you had. Always something going on.

After that youre not sure if he is in bed or just dozed of at his desk, or fell asleep on the couch. More details would be nice. 2nd off all... when did he shut of the beeping?

I know... details, but that makes up a story, setting the enviroment. The feeling that he is somewhere... not just floating in your story.

About the mirror. Perfect moment to introduce your character.. we still dont know how he looks, or we think he looks ;)
He's looking at his face.. so describe it a little.

As for the 2nd part;
The B5 stuff isnt realy up my street, so i kinda hooked of here by all the tech/race/stuff.
The conversation that is going on is difficult to read. Mind you, its hard to get a good conversation on paper. So steer clear of big conversations till you master it.

In all. Good 1st one... hope to read more!

All opinions, ramblings, duh's and many more are my own, and as such are never wrong... just ignorant :D

AkiraRulez
Posts: 515
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2001 1:00 pm
Location: Lisse, Zuidholland, Nederland

Post by AkiraRulez » Mon Jul 26, 2004 7:30 pm

Geez... take the trouble to read... reply... and thats it?.... :confused:

armadillo
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2001 12:00 am

Post by armadillo » Tue Jul 27, 2004 11:37 am

Sorry Planned to reply when i posted up the next 2 chapters but i've been working pritty much solid for the past 4 days.

The dream came across a bit wrong. The pauses are there to deny the reader information, but opon reread i think came across as stutery.

More details check.

I thought about describing him at the mirror but i wanted to make it quick and slightly omimous. A mistake in retrospect. I read alot and i tend to dislike the parts describing characters they tend to seam shoved in and jar you from the story. When I finsh the story i'll do a rewrite putting champions description in, and have him meat(sp?) luzzi outside the bridge before he goes in.

The race/tech stuff is fairly irrellevant at the moment, i'm just trying to set up that rison and champion don't like each other much. With Champion having 2 snipes at the captain. You'll find out why the ISA a sore point later.

I'll try not to get to bogged down in the tech race stuff although a few things you shold know.

ISA - Inter steller Alliance, the standard goody goody force that tends to arrive to save the day. Armed with some very mean tech.

EA - Earth Alliance

Drakh - Standard meanies. Dislike Humans, enjoy using the centauri, the polar opposite to the ISA. They like raiding and have fairly mean tech.

Nova - Old EA destroyer no gravity

Omega - Standard earth destroy although it is being superseded by the warlock. New version of the Nova over a mile long, back 1/3 is engines and power systems, front 1/3 houses sensor and fighter lauch bay, middle part rotates for artificial gravity and houses bridge crew, and all the over stuff.

Hyperion - A crusier smaller than the Omega. Slightly newer than the nova, has four fighter bays towards the back. No Gravity.

I'm going to change to a more script writting prose for conversations after chapter 3 ie

Champion
Your Fat

Rison
No I'm not

I think that'll make it easier to read.

I'll try finshing chap 3&4 b4 friday.


Honesty's the best policy
Insanity is a better defence

armadillo
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2001 12:00 am

Post by armadillo » Sat Jul 31, 2004 5:35 pm

A chapter and a day behind but meh.

Last long conversation ever!

Chapter 3 (in the Persephone’s forward section)

“Ryan throw me that screwdriver”,
“Heads up chief”
As Ryan sent the screwdriver floating to the chief engineer he noticed movement down the corridor. Gently floating towards them was a man in an officer’s uniform. It was difficult to judge from this distance but Ryan guessed that the man was in his mid to late thirties, he looked slim and pale, and was at least 6ft 1` . Ryan nodded his head towards the new arrival to make sure the chief knew he was coming. The Chief turned to face the officer and smile crept on his face.

“Hey champ what’ve you done this time?”
“Hello Sir, Would be the correct way to greet an officer”, glancing towards Ryan
“Don’t worry he’s ok” pointing his thumb towards Ryan, “We can skip the stuffy formalities”
Champion seamed to relax as he turned on the magnets in his boots and gracefully connected to the floor near the chief. Ryan turned around and got on with his work.
“How’s launcher 3?” Champion enquired
“Stop avoiding the question” Replied the chief
“I just pointed out some possibilities to the captain”
A groan came from the chief “you really don’t help yourself by being awkward”
“It’s my job to point out anything the old boy might have missed”
“It’s not your job to antagonize him” the chief shot back while removing a nearby panel
“That’s just an added bonus” Champion joked
The chief grunted disapprovingly
“Besides isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, Ernie” Champion pointed out grinning
A grin crossed Ryan’s face. Nobody on the engineering team had known what the E in E Larson stood for, and woe betide anyone who asked.
Wincing at the mention of his name, Larson clipped the panel to his belt to stop it floating off. “That’s different, could you get me the circuit board out of the green tool box champ”,
“Why’s it different for you?” said Champion as he began walking to the box
“Because your trying to become a captain, a bit of ass kissing wouldn’t hurt your career”, Larson began to remove a circuit board from its mountings.
“Not really my style” Champion removed the board, turned off his boots and kicked off towards the chief. “And you wonder why your not captain? Besides heading into a possible fire fight is not the best time to rile the captain”
“Hmm” Champion seemed to agree. The conversation lulled as the chief replaced the board.
“How’s launcher 3” Champion repeated his earlier question. “Just replacing it’s back up systems now. They never learn. If you buy crap it’ll cost you more in the end. Be it in money or lives”.

Ever since the Civil war, earth force had been cutting back on military spending. The money that was left was being put into defence platforms and the new warlocks. Unfortunately this left the old omegas and ancient nova’s (90% of earth force’s destroyer fleet) running on scraps.

Larson whistled at Ryan and sent the old board floating towards him. “If this works all the launchers will be prepped and ready” Larson said as he reattached the panel to the wall. Turning off his mag boots and pulling himself along the corridor, Larson motioned Champion to follow. After several corridors they came to a console where they both touched down. Larson clicked on his communicator “Ozaki”,
“Yes chief” replied the tactical officer
“Requesting launch systems test”
“Launch system test granted, in t minus 15 seconds”
They waited in silence as the counter timed down. Upon reaching zero they felt 4 quick thuds though the wall. A list of systems flashed up on screen all showing green.
“All systems go. Good job chief. Err the captain sends a polite request that you send the Commander back to the bridge”
“I’ll bet” Champion said under his breath
“Ozaki out”. A beep signalled the end of the communication.
“Well that’s that, anything else you need?” Suspecting Champion was hanging around for a reason.
“How’s the crew? Any problems?”
“I can only speak for the engineering staff but they’re all nervous and edgy the usual before a battle, although half of them think this is just a drill. This isn’t a drill is it?”
“Unfortunately this is the real deal”
“Damn” the chief looked dejected
“What’s got you so worked up? We’ve gone into potential fire fights and you’ve always been excited before now”
“I just got a bad feeling that’s all” he said playing with his wedding band
“And?” enquired Champion knowing there was more to it. The chief sighed, streched his arms, lent back against the wall, and then put his hands in his pockets.
“It’s not been the same since the war, they expect us to run the ships on the shit they give us, the crews still not working together properly, and now we’re going up against an unknown enemy with a training fleet”
“We’ve some of the most experienced officers on those ships”
“People coasting along till retirement you mean. There’s only three types of people out here, the fresh meat brought in to build up our losses from the war, the coasters, and the undesirables”
“Which are you, a coaster or an undesirable?”
A smile cracked across the chiefs face “who say’s they’re mutchably exclusive?” he said with a snort. “I’ve a bad feeling about this champ that’s all, you watch yourself”. Champion lifted off the ground and set off towards the lift “don’t worry chief I always do, be careful now and I’ll see you on the flip side”

The chief looked thoughtful and watched him till the doors on the lift closed. As the lift started matching speed with the rotating section he felt the weight of his body again. Larson was a well respected and trusted member of the crew. Everyone talked to him, and people told him they’re problems especially those who would not approach other officers or the councillors, and so was a great gauge of the crews feelings. He had come to Champion in the past with discreet matters that needed a senior officer to help with. Matters that captain Rison hadn’t had to be told about, so both men trusted each other implacably. Champion decided that he couldn’t do much about the crews and parts at this stage, but he vowed to hold his tongue to the Captain at least till this was over. If it worried Larson it was detrimental to the crew. Champion had long ago made a vow to never harm his crew. Again.


Send cheese quickly i'm melting!

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